The Power of Marriage

There is no human relationship as raw, beautiful, ugly, deep, painful, and incredible as marriage with your spouse. Nobody is as close to you physically and emotionally as your spouse. You see each other in many different scenarios, and grow to know each other so well, you probably know how your spouse would react in most given situations. This is truly beneficial in personal growth. I can now say “Well, I know McKenzie would probably do this…” and vice versa, giving us alternative ways to handle and think about things.

Marriage is hard. When people tell me they don’t argue with their spouse, or that their marriage is easy, I don’t think I believe they’re doing it right, because marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I think a healthy marriage is meant to be hard. Why? Because marriage has a way of opening up all of your childhood wounds, flaws, and selfishness. Your spouse can take a really good look at it all, up close and personal, and then they can call you out on it, and unlike in other relationships, it’s a whole lot harder to brush it off, because nobody else has ever gotten that close. That’s why words from your spouse have the power to hurt or heal you more than in any other relationship. If your spouse says you’re ugly, and someone else says you’re beautiful, you feel ugly. If someone calls you ugly, but your spouse says you’re beautiful, you feel beautiful. It’s an incredible power and responsibility we are given when we marry another person. We must take care of each other’s hearts, recognize that words are more powerful coming from each other, and use that knowledge to improve the relationship, not hurt it. Similarly, things could be going well in your career, your friendships, etc, but if things are not going well in your marriage you will not feel okay. And if things are not going well in your career, your friendships, etc, but your marriage is strong, you will walk out into the world in strength. That’s how powerful marriage is.

Obviously there is a problem when fights are frequent and intense, but I do think that a healthy level of criticism, done with love, is healthy in a marriage. You see this other person up close, and are more affected by their selfishness than any other person on the planet, and marriage gives you the right to call them out on their selfishness. The Bible says when you marry, your souls become one flesh. So, I believe one of the purposes of marriage is to help each other grow into better people. You find this beautiful person, you fall in love with them, you get married, and suddenly you realize they’re a lot more selfish than you originally thought, and they notice that about you. There is a difference in criticizing with anger, and communicating with love that something about their behavior is bothering you. This is something that McKenzie and I are still learning in our own marriage, and perhaps it’s a life-long practice.

Marriage is constant forgiveness and sacrificial love. It’s saying “I will treat my selfishness as a bigger problem than yours.” whether or not it actually is. In doing this your spouse will begin to soften, and be more open to giving love in the way that is needed. We cannot control the actions of others, but we can control our own actions. We may be getting older as the years go on, but when practicing sacrificial love, our souls are becoming more beautiful. More loving. There is a beautiful quote from Timothy Keller who says “What we should say to each other on our wedding day is, “As great as you look today, someday you will stand with me before God in such beauty that it will make these clothes look like rags.””

Timothy Keller is a Christian pastor who has an amazing podcast series called “Cultivating A Healthy Marriage” that I would encourage everyone to listen to, religious or not. I have learned so much about what the Bible says about marriage, and how many of the religious verses are misinterpreted in our society. The more that I study what the Bible has to say about marriage, the easier it is to understand and relate it to the way that God loves us. Jesus was the ultimate role-model in sacrificial love. He gave himself up for us, despite being mocked, berated, and shunned. He still sacrificed himself so that we may find everlasting love through him. Marriage is our way of practicing that sacrificial love. Jesus is the ultimate head of authority, and yet he spends his entire time on Earth serving, not being served. This doesn’t make him weak, this makes him the ultimate figure of strength. When the Bible calls for us to serve each other in marriage it is gospel reenactment. It is a form of trying to love like Jesus.